Surviving the First Wave

Written by Shawn Funk

A highly contagious novel flesh-eating virus has been discovered in an Arctic laboratory and is now threatening our world civilization! According to a recent report by Dr. Ellis Cheever that was leaked from a remote CDC outpost in northern Alaska, the virus has already escaped containment when a scientist flew into Anchorage, Alaska for a family event. Attempts to eliminate the virus in the surrounding population have been fruitless. Unsurprisingly, any information regarding the matter is being heavily censored in the press. The symptoms, they say, are very near unbelievable. The virus is a mutated form of Streptococcus that feeds on the flesh of its victims, causing death within twelve hours. However, the real show begins after the victim dies. Incredibly, the virus starts to stimulate the motor functions in the brain after death, using the human body as a vessel to viciously feed on the flesh of the living. A single bite or scratch from the infected is enough to pass the virus onto the next person. The infected cannot be cured, only neutralized through blunt force trauma to the brain. Scientists are, very creatively, referring to this new strain of streptococcus as the Z-strain.

The end is near, but you don’t have to lay down and die! Ensure you collect these essential items for your doom kit before the first wave of the zombie apocalypse!  

  1. Melee weapons

Firearms will give away your position…Survivors face their enemies. Everyone has their melee weapon of choice whether it’s a bat, sword, crowbar, knife, fork, or spade. Choose a weapon and get used to wielding it. You will use it often, for better and for worse. Remember, you need to destroy the brain to kill the flesh-eating fiends; they will not balk at any blow below the neck. 

  1. Wind-up Alarm Clock/Calender

A wind-up is useful to redirect or distract ghouls away from places of interest or where others may be trapped, but it’s also not a bad idea to keep time during the day. Don’t forget to mark the days, months, and years on your calendar, so you know when to tell everyone around you it’s your birthday.

  1. Shotgun

While you will defend yourself with melee weapons 99 percent of the time, desperate situations require real firepower. Because the noise from the blast can attract unwanted ghouls, it is important to use the shotgun only as a last resort. In a bind, you can also turn it on yourself to stop from being eaten alive.

  1. Motorcycle

Not all motorcycles are created equal. You want to find a 4-stroke, so you don’t have to waste time mixing your fuel with oil. Another important thing to consider is the suspension and tires. You will be riding off-road. Be sure to have some off-road tires and plenty of suspension travel. Single-cylinder air-cooled carbureted engines will be the most reliable as they are very easy to work on and parts are easily found in scrapyards. A bike will allow you to escape quickly but also will aid in your scavenging during the day and marauding during the night.   

  1. Bonesaw

It is possible to survive a bite from the infected depending on where you were bit. Amputation is an option for those who have the assistance. While the science isn’t quite precise on how much time you can wait to amputate after infection, it is generally accepted that you want to do it asap. It is tough to lose a limb, but we must stay positive; you can attach a cool weapon to your stump when it’s all over. Don’t forget to stoke the flames before you amputate; that wound will need to be cauterized.

  1. Political Skills

You will run into other groups of survivors that are as desperate as you. Learn to be persuasive. Learn to lie. Your survival will likely depend on how well you can leverage your most valuable resource, other human beings. 

  1. Maps/Compass

It is likely that once this virus starts spreading, the cities will be hardest hit, and therefore very dangerous for survivors. You will want to leave the city pronto. With a compass, a detailed map will guide you safely into the countryside. Stay off the main roads.  Don’t rely on your electronics (GPS, Google Maps); these are no longer superior technologies.

  1. Zombie Power

Learn to harness zombie power for the future of mankind! Ghouls can be put to work. Zombie-powered turbines will lighten-up the horror of our apocalypse, making it harder for those midnight ghouls to get you when you visit the latrine in the middle of the night. Zombie power (measured in Zohms) is great for the environment too: lean, mean, and green! 

Hold-up. There is a chance that this Cheever report wasn’t exactly accurate. Sometimes things like this happen. Stories go viral, and it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment without having all the facts. New information is showing up on my exclusive live feed from Anchorage, Alaska that contradicts Cheever’s outrageous claims. Ok, I got it now; the real story. I was way off. There was no virus, just a viral story. They say now that a chimpanzee that had escaped from a U.S government lab in Anchorage two weeks ago has freed nearly twenty thousand primates. The clever chimp accomplished this feat by impersonating a scientist. Wearing a white lab coat and square-framed glasses, he strolled right through security and into the containment facility, flipped the master switch, turned around and walked out. It is easy to see how a horde of primates could be mistaken for a zombie horde. As we speak, at least twenty thousand primates are completely trashing the blood-soaked streets of Anchorage, Alaska, ripping limbs, poking eyes, and gnawing on the fingers of anyone in their line of sight. News of the event has been kept quiet in an attempt to quell uprisings at other research facilities around the world. It’s amazing how quickly news travels these days. By the way, in the event of a planet of the apes type thing, many of the tools that I mentioned above will still help you immensely. Substitute the bonesaw for a banana and you’re set! Pick up your pitchfork, and god damn them all! Damn them all to hell!

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