Fear’s Possession

Written by Vanessa Bowen

She feared tomorrow. She feared how her emotions would control her, how she could lose everything, and how she wouldn’t believe anymore. She feared what the day would bring. She feared it like nothing else. 

Her heart raced too fast. Her palms were a sweaty mess, and her imagination was a burden to her. She couldn’t stop. This fear… It made her stomach tie itself in knots; she worried about nothing and everything every second, minute, and hour of the day. She hated this feeling, yet she still felt this way. 

There was no stopping; something that always happened at a time when she had to meet her maker. It made her a prisoner of her mind and locked her in a four-cage silver metal box with no escape. She tried to think of something else—to think of happy thoughts, of grateful thoughts, of something other than tomorrow. It never worked. She worried more, her anxiety rising to the roof. She had a feeling tomorrow wouldn’t go well. 

She didn’t believe in the possible, hating the unknown of what the next day could bring. There was no way to prepare, nothing to stop this torment she went through a lot more than she should. Fear ate at her happiness. Fear ate at her joy. Fear ate all her other feelings. Serotonin became depression and anxiety. Her smile became duller. Her laughter became extinct. Fear became the ruler of her psyche. 

She could feel it take hold. She could feel it controlling her body, her actions, and everything in between. She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t take deep breaths because anxiousness took over. They played havoc on her body. She feared the day. She feared the environment. She feared the people who could put her down. 

She wanted to close her eyes and wish upon the stars that she didn’t fear the path she chose. She wanted to close her eyes and wish she was strong enough to cast the fear away. She wanted… She wanted something she wasn’t strong enough to give yet. Fear had centuries to take control of her body, mind, and soul. Fear reeked of mischief, always giggling its ugly laugh, making her insane. 

Fear was the worst of her emotions. It produced that anxiety and that depression. It made her self-confidence disintegrate like it had never existed. It made her question her intelligence and what her future even held for her anymore. Sleep escaped her. Words escaped her. She didn’t know how to express herself or how she was feeling. Who would understand? She was alone in her prison, or so it felt. 

Did others see her pain? Did others see her fatigue? Did others see she was living a shell of her old self? Or did they see what they wanted? She was an open book, her pain for all to see, hear, and feel. But nobody wanted to see how fear really affected her. They took her at her words, saw her fake smiles for what they weren’t, and turned a blind eye. 

She needed help but didn’t know how to reach for it. Fear kept her away from everyone. It whispered its dark voice in her ear. It whispered its poison into her heart. Blackness filled her veins until all she heard was that nobody would care that she would be rejected. Fear was a dangerous being. It was a helpless thing. 

It slithered unknowingly into the world and latched on to an unsuspecting victim. It latched on and sucked the happiness out of you and replaced it with uneasiness, restlessness, worry, and a feeling of being uncomfortable in one’s own skin. It made one indecisive. It wreaked havoc in the mind and the heart, once connected but pulled taunt by this ugly emotion. 

It produced nightmares in sleep and in reality. She couldn’t stand it. She feared fear itself. Feeling this way three hundred and sixty days a year was taking its toll. She felt older than her years. She was losing grasp on what was real and what was the result of fear. Her symptoms were progressing at an exponential rate. 

Eating became a hardship when she once loved all kinds of foods; her passion for what life had to offer diminished with every breath she took. That fear… It grew more powerful with every season that came and went. She feared it would take hold of her life, and she would be lost. She feared that it was starting to infect others around her, especially those closest to her. 

Those who didn’t want to see what was happening were immune to this disease. She should be happy that some weren’t affected by her closeness, but she wasn’t. She couldn’t. Fear wanted her to feel what it wanted her to feel. It was selfish, wanting her for itself like a love so deep that everything disappeared around a person. 

How can she ever escape this feeling? How can she ever live a normal life with a normal balance of emotional feelings coursing throughout her body? She looked at the stars on her ceiling, lit up by the sun’s afternoon light. They twinkled down at her with dazzling hope. If only they could take this feeling that paralyzed her to the bed in the dark of night. If only they knew how to help her, how to give her hope, and what she needed to believe once again. 

But for now… for today and tomorrow… maybe forever… She was fear’s possession.

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