My boyfriend is, let’s say, shy in the bedroom. Sex with him is an exercise in frustration. Almost every time we’ve gotten intimate, he can’t, um, perform. Then he gets embarrassed and then I get embarrassed and we just scrap the idea altogether and do something else. Other than that, we share a lot of the same interests and have a really good time hanging out together, so I don’t want to end it. But this is really frustrating for both of us. Help?

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?

Let’s not mince words here: sex is important. It can make, break or horribly complicate a relationship. And if you’re not having it at all, your relationship can become, as you say, an exercise in frustration. Good news, however: this is not the end of the world. This is the number one guy’s issue that sex therapists deal with day in and day out (the stats are comparable to women who are not able to reach orgasm). So take heart: many others share your pain and frustration. But, before you rush out and get the little blue pill (hello nasty side effects!), consider the source of the problem. It’s not necessarily physiology, although he should get himself to the doctor to find out for sure. And, not to be yet another No Smoking Nag, but smoking is extremely bad for erectile function. Just putting that out there.

In many cases – especially in young, healthy men – the root causes are psychological. It’s hard to say because of the vagueness of your question, but if the two of you are reacting with embarrassment and shame and generally sweeping the issue under the rug, I have the sneaking suspicion that your shy boyfriend has a mental block. Perhaps he has negative ideas about sex (repressive religious upbringing anyone?) and has likely fallen into a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy: he worries that it’s not going to work, and then it doesn’t work, which causes more worry. And around and around it goes. The two of you need to stop the cycle.

First, take sex completely off the table. Keep your clothes on, keep your hands off of him and TALK. Talk about what each of you like, don’t like, are scared of, hope to achieve; all those very necessary relationship building exercises that you may be avoiding due to shyness. Overcome the shyness. Get comfortable with each other. Once you’ve got a head start on the psychological portion (the biggest sex organ is the brain), start getting physical slowly. In beginning, don’t make sex your goal. A lot of North America’s problem with sex is that it’s too goal oriented. Stop thinking about the finish line and enjoy the process. Work up to actual sex – slowly. Play around. Figure out what turns his crank, and yours. Perhaps he’s inexperienced and hasn’t explored his turn ons – men, just like women, aren’t born with their sexual function in perfect working order. They don’t get a manual from The Patriarchy. Sex is an exploration and a learning curve. Even if he is experienced, he’s not experienced with you.

Make your sexual time a comfortable, fun, relaxed time instead of a high pressure, shame-inducing exercise in frustration. You like each other; you have fun in non-sexual activities, so there’s no good reason you’re not having fun in sexual scenarios.

A note regarding semantics: don’t use the word “perform.” It puts all the responsibility on him and creates an atmosphere of pressure. Performing is what porn stars do.
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